Dealing with the subconscious agenda.

Today was a profound day for me. I learned something very valuable about myself.

I was doing a podcast with the wonderful Julia Chi Taylor for her Running Conscious website.We had tried this interview once before but I had experienced some kind of blockage of breathing in my throat that made me very uncomfortable and I had to stop.
I was wondering whether I would experience this sensation again as it seemed linked to a emotional/mental issue. It was so physical, and it caused such a profound anxiety and self consciousness that it demanded attention. I have had this experience before but only around music performance, never around speaking, and I have done many interviews and public talks.

So  today was going to be interesting. Well it started well and the subject opened up.
But then it started again! I found it hard to swallow and got hot under the collar, Julia sensed my difficulty and kindly kept talking, and we both thought (we discussed afterwards) that I was going to have to stop. Very odd. Anyway I didn't stop, I stayed with it and persisted. I was damned if I was going to be beaten by some neurotic insecurity.
And the podcast was pretty good, we achieved what we wanted and I communicated the information and inspiration I wanted.

But I looked into it afterwards and really got deeper into what on earth was happening here, and this is what I came to.
The 'throttling' sensation I felt was not bad, but good. I have such information and depth of experience to share with people that when the opportunity presents itself to me, as it has with Julia's Running Conscious project, The energy all wants to release at once. It revealed to me that I have a burning desire to be heard and to be seen, and that even though it may hurt a little, I HAVE TO PERSIST.

I am an expressive, and I am a sensitive. And I am very creative. I carry wounds, although many people might not see them. As a singer and guitar player, I have been on stage many times, and have done loads of public talks about health and well being, so I'm used to it all on some level.
But the subject I am talking about now matters to me SO MUCH that I am passionate and sensitive about it. It really means something to me.And it is important to me to be real.

The reason I'm sharing this is to show that our subconscious is always alert and always up to something, and the deeper and more authentic we become the more we have to clear whatever stands in the way of our expression.
Expressing ourselves matters deeply.
Failure to express ourselves or suppression of this most basic of functions, can result in all manner of issues, both emotional and physical, so it is up to us to dig into the buried 'stuff', heal it and keep growing.
My understanding is that, far from being obstructions and problems, these things are our guides and helpers, showing us where we need to grow and evolve.
So I am grateful to this experience. Will it happen again? It may well do, but fearing it only creates it, so not fearing it leaves it alone to return or not, these things are so deep and subtle they cannot be forced.
Amazing soul intelligence.

Thanks for reading!

http://www.runningconscious.com/